You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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