Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
