I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
