everyone is single if you try hard enough
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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