you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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