Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
