Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
