i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
