You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
