i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
