I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
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let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
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You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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