I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
