I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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