my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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