did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
