A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
