Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize