i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
