apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
