Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
