I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
My penis needs a shock collar
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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