So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
