Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
