he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
