For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
