he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
