Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
