The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
