If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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