bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
