I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
