This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
