my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
