There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
