Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
