You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
