you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
