After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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