My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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