Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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