I want to stick my p in your. b.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
