well I can't set my house on fire every night
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
