she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
