The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
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I can't put those talents on a resume
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize