I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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