If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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