I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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