she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
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