Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
