Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
