Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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