I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
