Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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