yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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