he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
