My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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