I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
