The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
