If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
