I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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