If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
